So look,
here’s the deal . I’ll be 30 soon but I still find myself in a place of “What am I doing here?” “Am I doing the right things?” and “Am
I doing enough?”.
Because to
be honest – it sure doesn’t feel like that. I have the same insecurities that I
had years ago and I feel like I am stuck with the same problems – just in
different versions. But back then, in my early twenties, I only had problems. NOW,
get that – now I have problems with having problems. Because it seems like the
world expects me to have it all figured out by now. Why am I not on this or
that track? Is there even a track? Where is the consistency? Don’t you know
where you’re going?
Comparison
is the theft of joy so I am not gonna go with that argument but still, I find
myself being annoyed with my progress or lack thereof – in conjunction with my
age. And I am unsure whether I should wallow in “everything used to be better” or
find comfort in “it gets better”. I probably should take the middle route. But
that still leaves me at “some things used to be better and some things will be
better”. Just NOW is never good.
And even
the goddess of life. .. Brené Brown, who talked about this “never enough” plot,
even from her I get that vibe (with this absolutely amazing quote “man in the
arena” that she promotes by Theodore Roosevelt) that I have to go so far
further out. To do the things, you know? But I don’t feel it…
I don’t
know. I am fighting very hard, believe me, I am fighting so hard to be positive
with every resource – I adjusted my nutrition, I adjust what videos on YouTube
I watch, what books and articles I read, I surround myself with positive
people, I use mindbloom and smile every day, I remind myself to be authentic
and helpful and loving and caring, I go to the gym, I take care of my nails, I
make my bed, I look into the sun – and it makes a difference. But it is not
enough to get me on a level where I can say “I am fine". The farthest I ever
got was “I am okay”.
My dear friend
Aline told me once I have to get up and attack the day. She meant I had to
force the universe to give me the fucking best and I would give my fucking best
back. But I am lacking opportunities. I have a really hard time finding them.
It might be the German mindset or it might be me. Maybe I should pray more
often. So I am gonna try that
Dear
universe - please hear me:
I want to
give you my fucking best. And you and me both know that that is A LOT. It is
so much, you would be freaking blown away. But I need you to give me an
opportunity. I promise I will check all doors I see, heck, even the windows, but
you have to open one for me. And you really should hurry because patience can
suck my ovaries. I am almost 30. I’m in a hurry.
